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Adoption Decision-Making

Questions to ask and selective resources to contact for "just thinking about it" beginners as well as those who are already waiting to parent

by Patricia Irwin Johnston

Many of those who experience impaired fertility eventually begin to explore options beyond treatment -- expanding their family by adoption; embracing a childfree lifestyle; using donor gametes or surrogacy in a collaborative reproductive option. But long before choosing one option, just investigating the options can be a challenging step. After all, having spent a long time focusing on becoming pregnant, it isn't easy to give up the dream of parenting a child who would share the genes of both of his parents, a child who would carry their heritage from the past into the future in an unbroken bloodline.

Helen Keller offered an insight about thwarted dreams that I paraphrase here:
When one door of happiness closes, another opens. But often we spend so much time looking at the closed door that we don't notice the one that has opened for us. We must seek and find these open doors, for if we do, we will make our lives as beautiful as God intended.

This article is meant to be used as a starting point for those who want to consider whether adoption might be a good doorway for family building for them. Composed of a little text and a lot of suggestions for more in depth reading or resources, this article raises the most important questions to be asked of oneself about adopting and to provide the best places to find one's personal answers.

In exploring adoption, the key questions for parenting partners to discuss and come to agreement about are these:

• Should we adopt at all? Can adoption meet our needs? Do we genuinely understand its lifelong impact on everyone it touches?
• If we adopt, should we adopt a baby or an older child? Should we adopt from this country or from another? What do the ideas of "healthy" and "special needs" really mean to us? What do we honestly expect? Can we be flexible?
• If we adopt, would we use an adoption agency or adopt without an agency? What do we understand about openness and confidentiality?
• We've said yes to adoption. How do we find the child meant for us to adopt?

After Infertility: "Should we adopt?"

The books and resources below will give you a framework and tools for thinking about ending treatment as a separate issue from deciding whether or not to live childfree or build your family by adoption. Though many people will have presented adoption to you as if it is a logical "next step" after treatment, in much the same way as they might have suggested that Metrodin or Pergonal were "next steps" after clomiphene treatment, they are wrong. Adoption is a very separate issue from infertility treatment and it needs and deserves its own decision making process.

Infertility brings with it several potential losses, including loss of control, loss of individual genetic continuing, loss of a jointly conceived child, loss of the emotional and physical expectation one has about the experience of making pregnant and being pregnant and giving birth, and loss of the opportunity to parent. Adoption can prevent only one of those losses: the opportunity to parent. These books and resources will help you to determine whether that loss is the one that is most painful to you about the infertility experience. Only if it is should you adopt.

• Adopting after Infertility by Patricia Irwin Johnston (Indianapolis: Perspectives Press, Inc., 1992). An extensive three part handbook for couples considering or pursuing adoption. Section one examines infertility and making all kinds of related decisions, including identifying for oneself the most important of six primary losses related to the infertility experience. Section two explores all of the issues to be decided in adoption--agency or independent, infant or older child, international or domestic, open or confidential-- and includes guidance on choosing professionals and services which meet your needs. Section three explores life after adoption in a manner important for pre-adopters to explore: talking to kids, dealing with the world at large, infertility revisited, etc. This book replaces by updating and vastly expanding the material in Johnston's earlier An Adoptor's Advocate (Perspectives Press, Inc., 1984) which is now out of print. This comprehensive decision-making guide also fits in each of the resource categories which follow, but will not be listed there.
• Sweet Grapes: How to Stop Being Infertile and Start Living Again by Mike and Jean Carter (Indianapolis: Perspectives Press, Inc., 1998.) An infertile couple--she an ob/gyn and he an English professor-- describe their method of learning to communicate with one another that ultimately led them to stop treatment and decide to embrace with joy a childfree lifestyle. (INCIID also has an electronic bulletin board for those considering living childfree at http://www.inciid.org/forums/childfree/index.html)
• Motherhood Deferred by Anne Taylor Fleming (New York: G.P. Putnam's Sons, 1994) Journalist and feminist Taylor Fleming explores her delay of childbearing and subsequent long and ultimately fruitless high tech struggle with infertility and her decision not to adopt. A provocative and important view for those considering leaving treatment.
• The Whole Life Adoption Book by Jayne Schooler (Colorado Springs: Pinon Press, 1993.) is, as one reviewer has called it, a pre-adopt course on paper, introducing (though not covering thoroughly) multiple issues of importance.
• To Love a Child: A Complete Guide to Adoption, Foster Parenting, and Other Ways to Share Your Life with Children by Marianne Takas and Edward Warner (Reading, MA: Addison-Wesley, 1992.) A wonderful exploration of alternative ways to add children to one's own life and make a difference in theirs. The only title to realistically explore fostering, big brothering and other non-permanent nurturing relationships as viable alternatives.
• Wanting another Child: Coping with Secondary Infertility by Harriet Fishman Simons (New York: Lexington Books, 1995.) This supportive guide to dealing with issues unique to secondary infertility is the only one of its kind. One chapter looks carefully at building a family by both birth and adoption.

"If we adopt, what type of child?"

Having read the books above, the following list will help you to think about another set of issues: what age, what sex, what race, what ability child would be "right" for us at this time?

• Adopting Today: Options and Outcomes edited by Cynthia V N Peck (Hackettstown, NJ, Roots&Wings, 1997) A collection of one page stories about and by families who have adopted through every conceivable source and children of all ages and backgrounds which will give you a practical look at how adoption is working and how much it is costing today.
• Launching a Baby's Adoption: Practical Strategies for Parents and Professionals by Patricia Irwin Johnston (Indianapolis: Perspectives Press, Inc., 1997.) A guide to the "expectant" months leading up to and the first year following the placement of a baby under a year of age. Includes preparing self and family, promoting bonding, exploring breastfeeding, and more.
• Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft by Mary Hopkins-Best (Indianapolis: Perspectives Press, Inc., 1997) An exploration of what to expect when adopting a child older than one year but younger than school age--a toddler. Advice for preparing one's self and transitioning the child and unique issues of parenting a child who arrives during toddlerhood.
• A Child's Journey through Placement by Vera I. Fahlberg, M.D. (Indianapolis: Perspectives Press, Inc., 1991.) Pediatrician and therapist Fahlberg helps both parents and professionals understand how the experience of being moved impacts on children. Provides a clear description of the attachment cycle and how to support attachment in children who have left important early caretakers.
• Adopting the Hurt Child: Hope for Families with Special Needs Kids by Dr. Gregory Keck and Regina Kopecky (Colorado Springs: Pinon Press, 1995.) An honest and accessible exploration of the challenges faced by families adopting children with difficult histories by one of the most intriguing educators in the field of attachment issues.
• Inside Transracial Adoption by Gail Steinberg and Beth Hall (Indianapolis: Perspectives Press, Inc., 2000. A wealth of materials compiled to prepare families for adopting across racial lines by the co-directors of Pact: An Adoption Alliance. Both authors of this award winning book are also parents of transracially adopted families both domestic and international.
• Dim sum, Bagels and Grits: A Sourcebook for Multicultural Families by Myra Alperson (New York: Farrar, Strauss, Giroux, 2000) offers information and resources to families adopting transracially, but especially for those adopting internationally.
• Are Those Kids Yours? American Families with Children Adopted from Other Countries by Cheri Register (New York: The Free Press, 1991.) A thorough, practical, down-to-earth discussion about the realities of adopting and parenting a child born outside the U.S.
• Self Awareness, Self-Selection, and Success: A Parent Preparation Guidebook for Special Needs Adoption by Wilfred Hamm, T Morton and L Flynn (Washington: NACAC, 1985). A workbookish series of questionnaires and exercises for people considering special needs adoption. Order from AFA.
• Helping Children Cope with Separation and Loss (revised edition) by Claudia Jewett Jarratt (Boston: Harvard Common Press, 1994.) Another valuable resource for those considering an older child.
• The Post, from the Parent Network for the Post Institutionalized Child (PO Box 613, Meadowlands, PA 15347; phone 412-222-1766, email PNPIC@aol.com) will be particularly valuable for those considering adopting a child who will come from an international orphanage. Institutionalized children have unique issues which must be quickly identified and addressed in order to be successfully managed. Too many agencies and facilitators are unaware of these issues, and that's where PNPIC can help parents and parents-to-be! $20 annually

Exploring openness in adoption

How do you feel about being in communication with your prospective child's birthfamily? Before you can decide to adopt, this is something to think through fairly carefully. Open adoption is becoming more and more common, both domestically and internationally, but do you understand what this really means, or are you only as literate about open and confidential adoption as the last horrific news story you read about either one?

• The Open Adoption Experience: A Complete Guide for Adoptive and Birth Families by Sharon Kaplan Roszia and Lois Melina (New York: HarperCollins, 1993). An extensive practical guide to making decisions about openness adoption, living with openness over time, adapting to changing needs and relationships, this resource is unique in that it speaks to birth and adoptive families together. This book may seem intimidating because of its length, but it is simply the most authoritative book on the subject!
• An Open Adoption by Lincoln Caplan (New York: Farrar, Strauss, Giraux, 1990.) After extensive fascinating interviews with professionals on both sides of the controversy surrounding open adoption, journalist Caplan attempts to present objectively the intimate details of one particular open adoption in which both birth and adoptive parents allowed him to follow their progress from before the birth through a year following the placement, including a disturbing conclusion. The result is a book which is fascinating, and which is neither pro-open or pro-confidential advocates find satisfying, but which certainly goes farther than any other book available to identify and present the elements of the pro/con debate.
• Adoption without Fear edited by James. L. Gritter (San Antonio: Corona Publishing, 1989.) A series of essays written by birth and adoptive parents who participated in open adoptions through the same Michigan agency.
• The Open Adoption Book: A Guide to Adoption Without Tears by Bruce Rappaport, Ph.D. (New York: MacMillan, 1992) The director of the Independent Adoption Center and founder of the National Federation for Open Adoption Education's guide for consumers.
• Dear Birthmother: Thank you for Our Baby by Kathleen Silber and Phylis Speedlin (San Antonio: Corona, 1982). This is the book that started the discussion of openness in adoption. Startlingly controversial when new just 15 years ago, the form of open adoption it then promoted was the exchange of anonymous letters through an intermediary!
• How to Open an Adoption by Patricia Martinez Dorner (Royal Oak, MI: R-Squared Press, 1997.) A guide to opening an adoption that was begun confidentially, written by one of open adoption's pioneers.

"We've made the decision to adopt, and we know what style of adoption we desire and what kind of child. Now, how do we adopt?"

You've considered it all -- infant/older, domestic/international/relative, health agency/independent, open/confidential, and you're ready to pursue adoption. The materials below will streamline your search for a child. But step one for all should be to contact nearby adoptive parent support groups and plan to attend informational seminars they may offer. In larger cities there is often an advocacy group or coalition of groups and agencies offering an annual information workshop. For example, Open Door Society of Massachusetts draws over 1600 people a year to its spring conference in the Boston area, Adoptive Parents Committee of New York rotates a fall conference reaching 1500 or more through the five buroughs and New Jersey and a Chicago coalition which includes Adoptive Parents Together, Stars of David and Chicago Area Families for Adoption draws several hundred to a fall conference in the great Chicago area. Also use these resources:

• Adoptive Families Magazine's 2001 Guide to Adoption is an annual updated magazine-format collection of articles and resource guide to pursuing adoption. Available only through New Hope Communications at the address below.
• Adoption: The Tapestry Guide by Laurie Wallmark (Ringoes, NJ: Tapestry Books, 1997) An introductory booklet covering the adoption basics.
• The Adoption Resource Book by Lois Gilman (New York: HarperCollins, rev. 1997.) This is the most authoritative and comprehensive adoption how-to available and has been updated several times. Journalist and adoptive parent Gilman carefully explores all types and styles of adoption and provides excellent resources for pursuing specific strategies.
• There Are Babies to Adopt (revised) by Christine Adamec (Kensington Publications, 1996.) An exploration of various options for and routes to adopting an infant.
• Adopting in America: How to Adopt Within One Year by Randall B. Hicks (Los Angeles: Wordslinger Press, 1995.) An adoption attorney's guide to successful independent adoption.
• Adopt International by Robin Sweet and Patty Bryan (New York: Farrar, Strauss, Giroux, 1996.) A step-by-step guide to international adoption, from picking an agency to travel arrangements and advice.

Some Questions and Answers about finding a legitimate Agency or Attorney or other service provider:

Q: How do I find and check out the legitimacy of an adoption service provider before signing up?
A: There are many ways to check out AGENCIES, ATTORNEYS and FACILITATORS (who are each completely different kinds of service providers) through reputable and experienced consumer-protection channels:

• Contact LOCAL TO YOU and LOCAL TO THE PROVIDER adoptive parent groups about members who have used the services you are considering and then follow up with those referrals.
• Also contact NATIONAL adoptive parent groups (see referrals below) when working with a provider outside your own state.
• Contact the state attorney general's consumer protection division (both in your state and in the state in which the provider is located) about possible complaints on file.
• Contact the Better Business Bureau in the city in which the provider is located about any complaints on file
• Contact your state's family and children's services department's agency licensing division about the licensing status of those claiming to be AGENCIES (not all who "seem to be" ARE licensed agencies!)
• For a referral to an experienced, reputable ATTORNEY contact the American Academy of Adoption Attorneys.

Q: Why not just ask on the adoption support boards on PCOSA or INCIID and other internet sites instead?
A: Because while these are wonderful places for general support, you need to remember that you are asking mostly individuals who are posting anonymously (and thus could be ANYBODY) and most of whom are total strangers to you.. The not for profit support organizations like this one work VERY hard to keep these boards "clean" of trollers looking for business rather than looking to offer support, but its hard to do that in an anonymous internet environment.

The Money Issue

Adoption is rarely entirely free, but it is also rarely as expensive as the horror stories would lead one to believe. Adoption is "doable" for most who want to parent. Get the real scoop from these resources:

• The Finances of Adoptive Parenting by Pat Johnston is excerpted and expanded from the book Launching a Baby's Adoption. Find it on the Perspectives Press, Inc. website at http://www.perspectivespress.com/finances.html
• How to Make Adoption an Affordable Option from the National Endowment for Financial Education (in cooperation with the U.S. Office of Consumer Affairs and many adoption professionals and organizations) is and incredibly useful guide available in two forms: as a printed booklet (see web site for ordering info) and, in its entirety, on the web at http://www.nefe.org/adoption.default.htm
• Adoption Subsidy: A Guide for Adoptive Parents by Tim O'Hanlon, Ph.D. (Columbus, Ohio: New Roots, an Adoptive Families Support Group, 1995) A guidebook to the process of finding, getting, and keeping the financial assistance children with special needs are entitled to receive.

Bringing family and friends on board

Your family is, quite logically, several steps behind you in thinking about and embracing adoption! After all, you've been exploring this for a while! The booklets below, and subscriptions to an appropriate periodical (such as Adoption Today or Adoptive Families or your local parent group's newsletter) will help prospective grandparents, aunts and uncles learn what they need to know to share your enthusiasm and joy about adoption.

• Adoption Is a Family Affair! What Relatives and Friends Must Know by Patricia Irwin Johnston and friends (Indianapolis, IN: Perspectives Press, Inc., Inc. 2001) was put together specifically FOR families like yours by people just like you -- participants of the Exploring Adoption and Waiting to Adopt boards Pat monitored for several years at INCIID. This slim book makes a great gift! Get a taste of it at http://www.perspectivespress.com/hotbuttons.html
• When Friends Ask about Adoption: Question and Answer Guide for Non-Adoptive Parents and Other Caring Adults by Linda Bothun (Chevy Chase, MD: Swan Publications, 1987). A booklet designed to be given to those whose lives may touch our families. (Order from AFA)
• Supporting an Adoption by Patricia Holmes (Wayne, PA: Our Child Press, 1984). A booklet for families, teachers, clergy, doctors, and others who may come in contact with adoption-built families. (Order from publisher at 800 Maple Glen Lane, Wayne, PA 19087 for $6.00 postpaid.)
• Designing Rituals of Adoption for the Religious and Secular Community by Mary Martin Mason (Minneapolis: RAP, 1995) A unique and valuable guidebook to planning entrustment or arrival ceremonies and other rituals of placement.

"What will the future be like?"
Adoption over time
(Adopted People, Adoptive Parents and Birthparents)

Understanding how issues in adoption reverberate both positively and negative in themselves, in their children and in their children's birthparents over a lifetime will help prospective adopters to become better parents to a child they adopt.

• Being Adopted: The Lifelong Search for Self by David M. Brodzinsky and Marshall Schechter and Robin Marantz Henig. (New York: Doubleday, 1992.) Integrating both psychological and educational theory, the authors offer a model of normal development in adoptees.
• The Adoption Life Cycle: The Children and their Families through the Years by Elinor B. Rosenberg (New York: The Free Press, 1992.) Psychiatry professor and adoptive parent Rosenberg presents a view of the challenges of successfully integrating adoption and the changes it continuously brings into the lives of those whom it touches--adoptees, birthparents, adoptive parents.
• Growing Up Adopted: A Portrait of Adolescents and Their Parents by Peter L. Benson, Ph.D, Anu Sharma Ph.D. and Eugene C. Roehlkepartain (Minneapolis: The Search Institute, 1994.) A large and significantly more inclusive than usual study of children and families joined by adoption between 1975 and 1980, this study challenges many of the assumptions of earlier less representative studies composed of those in a mental health setting or uncontrolled self volunteers.
• Searching for a Past: The Adopted Adult's Unique Process of Finding Identity by Jayne Schooler (Colorado Springs, CO: 1995: Pinon Press.) How and why adoptees look at the process of searching for their birthfamilies, how they process these experiences, and the impact of search on themselves and their relationships.
• Giving Away Simone by Jan Waldron (New York: Times Books, 1995.) The beautifully written, tortured account of a birthmother's attempts to resolve grief, shame and self-loathing she associated with being a birthparent to a biracial daughter in an identified, but for many years non-communicative adoption, Waldron's book explores the struggle of birthmother and adolescent daughter to figure out their relationship with one another.
• Birthmothers: Women Who Have Relinquished Babies for Adoption Tell Their Stories by Merry Bloch Jones (Chicago: Chicago Review Press, 1993.) A carefully explored collection of interviews with birthmothers, this book looks for commonalities of experience and is honest without being angry or hopeless.
• Shattered Dreams--Lonely Choices: Birthparents of Babies with Disabilities Talk about Adoption by Joanne Finnegan (Westport, CT: Bergin & Garvey, 1993.) This unique resource of guidance and support for birthfamilies who find themselves needing to consider alternatives (parenting, abortion, adoption) for a baby born with disabilities they feel unprepared to deal with shares the stories of several couples. Offers clear guidance for medical and mental health professionals serving such couples and will help prospective adoptive parents understand the dilemmas of such birthparents.
• Out of the Shadows: Birthfathers' Stories by Mary Martin Mason. (Edina, MN: O.J. Howard Publishing, 1995.) A collection of stories about the experiences of birthfathers.
• The Psychology of Adoption edited by David M. Brodzinsky and Marshall Schechter. (New York: Oxford University Press, 1990.) A collection of papers and essays on a variety of adoption issues-mostly written for professionals, but many of them written by trainers or researchers who have not written books and up to now have been difficult for consumers to access.
• The Adoption Triangle: The Effects of the Sealed Record on Adoptees, Birth Parents and Adoptive Parents by Arthur D.Sorosky, Annette Baran and Reuben Pannor (San Antonio: Corona Publishers, rev 1990.) A classic report calling for a revolutionary change to totally open adoption prepared by three long term adoption professionals.
• Perspectives on a Grafted Tree: Thoughts for Those Touched by Adoption edited by Patricia Irwin Johnston (Indianapolis: Perspectives Press, Inc., 1983.) A collection of poems written by birthparents, adoptive parents, adoptees, and professionals in the field in an effort to demonstrate the gain and loss, happiness and pain that are part of the adoption experience for all involved.

National/International Circulation Magazines and Newsletters for Parents and Clinical Professionals

• Adoptive Families published by New Hope Communications, 2472 Broadway Ste 377, New York NY 10025 is a bimonthly (6 issues a year) magazine covering a wide variety of topics and styles of adoption and adoptive parenting. Subscription price is $24.95 annually.
• Adoptalk is the newsletter of North American Council on Adoptable Children (address below).
• Adoption Today (http://www.chosenchild.com) A bimonthly magazine with a heavier emphasis on issues of international adoption, with a special focus on adopting from Asia. (Louis and Company, 246 S Cleveland, Loveland, CO 80537). Subscribe at $26.50 annually. This same publisher also produces Fostering Families Today, a quarterly magazine for families who are fostering or are adopting through the foster care system using the fost-adopt method.
• Pact Press (see address for Pact: An Adoption Alliance, below) is a magazine dealing with issues of openness and adopting children of color. Published by Pact--An Adoption Alliance, which is a placement service. $32.00 annually.
• Rainbow Kids - http://www.rainbowkids.com is an on-line monthly magazine devoted to issues of adoption -- especially interracial adoption.

National Organizations Offering Information, Valuable Referral Resources and Support to Adoptive Families and Prospective Adopters

• American Academy of Adoption Attorneys, http://www.adoptionattorneys.org, P.O. Box 33053, Washington DC 20033-0053. A national association of attorneys who handle adoption cases or otherwise have distinguished themselves in the field of adoption law. Membership is by invitation only and based upon demonstrated involvement in and experience with adoption law. The group's work includes promoting the reform of adoption laws and disseminating information on ethical adoption practices. The Academy publishes a newsletter and holds annual meetings and continuing education seminars for attorneys. Families adopting independently should ask whether the attorney they are using is an AAAA member, and if not, why not!
• Joint Council on International Children's Services, http://www.jcics.org is an umbrella organization of agencies, facilitators, and parent support groups working toward ethical, child-centered international adoption. This organization offers professional continuing education and serves as an advocacy resource. Before embarking on an international adoption, ascertain whether the professionals with whom you are considering working are members of JCICS, and if not, why not!
• National Council for Adoption, 1930 17th St NW, Washington DC 20009. Phone 202-328-1200. An advocacy organization promoting adoption as a positive family building option. Primarily supported by member agencies, it does also encourage individual memberships ($50 annually) from those families who share its conservative stance on open-records/confidentiality and its wary view of independent and open placements. If you have decided to pursue a traditional, confidential, agency adoption, call NCFA for a referral to a member agency.
• National Adoption Information Clearinghouse, 330 C St SW, Washington DC, 20447. http://www.calib.com/naic is a federally-funded clearinghouse for adoption-related information of all kinds, featuring an extensive web site filled with useful links, educational fact sheets and articles, and much more.
• North American Council on Adoptable Children (NACAC), 970 Raymond Ave. #106, St Paul, MN 55114-1149. Phone 612-644-3036, http://www/nacac.org. An advocacy and education resource concerning waiting children, NACAC publishes the periodic newsletter Adoptalk, which reviews new books and tapes, and sponsors each August an enormous, well respected conference on special needs adoption for professionals and parent advocates. This conference rotates through five geographic areas. If you are considering a special needs adoption, call NACAC first for information about local and national resources, parent groups, and adoption exchanges. Membership $30 annually.
• Pact: An Adoption Alliance, http://www.pactadopt.org, 3220 Blume Dr Ste 289, Richmond, CA 94806. (510)243-9460. Pact is an unusual animal. Focusing on issues related to the adoption and parenting of children of color, Pact does workshops, publishes the magazine Pact press, offers a comprehensive bookstore on issues related to adoption, race, parenting. Though it does facilitate domestic open adoption placements of children of color, Pact is not an adoption agency. Membership (benefits of which include discounts on bookstore purchases and workshops but which is not tied in any way to separately available adoption facilitation services) is $32.00 annually.
• Parent Network for the Post-Institutionalized Child, http://www.pnpic.org, (PO Box 613, Meadowlands, PA 15347; phone 412-222-1766, email PNPIC@aol.com) is an education, advocacy and support resource for families adopting children who have spent early months or years in an orphanage setting.

Miscellaneous resources of value that just don't fit elsewhere

• The web site of Perspectives Press, Inc.: The Infertility and Adoption Publisher, http://www.perspectivespress.com, provides many useful articles excerpted from its authors' books, links to other resources, a list of upcoming workshops, and more.
• A valuable web page of Adoption and Adoptive Breastfeeding Links is located at http://members.tripod.com/Marimar_1/adoptionlinks.html#link2
• The Encyclopedia of Adoption by Christine Adamec and William Pierce (New York: Facts on File, 1991). The title tells you exactly what this is -- a collections of essays on nearly every adoption related topic you could imagine, arranged in alphabetical order. Includes hundreds of references to books, articles, studies, etc.
• Tapestry Books (http://www.tapestrybooks.com) (PO Box 359, Ringoes, NJ 08551, (800)765-2367) is a mail order bookstore carrying only books on infertility, adoption and related parenting issues. Their complete catalog comes out twice a year.